Hold me tight and don't let go
by RedRosa1
Summary: The winter war is over, Aizen has been defeated, but the victors are struggling to cope with the fallout. A series of oneshots, showing them trying to help each other cope in various ways ranging from sex to heavy drinking. warning, mild yaoi, mild yuri, angst suicidal impulses, possible self harm in later chapters
1. The Prisoner

**Chapter 1- The prisoner**

**AN- I do not own bleach, I just like messing with it**

After they got back from Hueco mundo, she seemed fine. She seemed like the same old Orihime: sweet, open, friendly, weird but in an endearing way. Rukia knew different. She could see the pain in the girl's eyes when she thought no-one was looking, she could hear the bitterness in her voice when she thought no-one was listening. She put on a good show, it was shocking how good such a seemingly innocent girl could be at lying and deception, but then Rukia supposed, she was no stranger to pain and loneliness. She had practice putting on a fake veneer of happiness after her brother died and left her alone in the world, so this was really just an extension of the act she had been projecting for most of her life. Nonetheless Rukia saw through it. She could see the feelings that Orihime was trying to hide because she was looking for them. After all it hadn't been long since she was in the position that Orihime was now. It was that empathy, that understanding of what Orihime was going through that drove Rukia to knock on Orihime's door that night.

It was late, but Orihime was still up, thinking over what had happened in Hueco Mundo, thinking about what had happened after. Chad had died, during the rescue attempt, all the others had been injured to the point of death at least once, Ichigo had turned into a monster trying to protect her, and yet when it came down to it she hadn't been able to do anything to repay them. If her power was as amazing as Aizen seemed to think then why had she not been able to do any more than patch up the wounds her friends had only suffered because of her? In the final analysis, her existence had been of more benefit to Aizen than to her own side, she had proved to be a liability just like Urahara said she would. Rukia's appearance distracted her from these thoughts, and she quickly plastered on a fake smile as she invited her in.

As she sat at Orihime's table and drank the tea she served Rukia considered how to get through the veneer Orihime used to cover up her feelings. After a few moment's thought she decided to go with the direct approach.

"You're not happy Orihime" she stated flatly. The girl was flustered but quickly recovered

"Don't be silly, I'm fine. Look, see nothing wrong" She smiled brightly

"You're lying. I'm not just talking about now either. You're lying all day every day, pretending you're fine, covering up your feelings with a smile and a cheerful voice. You think I don't see it, the guilt, the loneliness, the shame, the _anger_. You think I don't know how it feels?"

Orihime was silent

"The others don't see it, because they're too wrapped up in their own problems, and to be perfectly honest they don't want to see it. But I see it. You want to know why? Because I've been in exactly the same place as you are now. I know exactly how you're feeling, and I know you are not ok"

"Fine" Orihime snapped "You want to know how I'm really feeling? Fine, I'll tell you. I'm feeling helpless and weak and ashamed, because they caught me and I couldn't defend myself, I'm feeling useless because after everything that all of you did to rescue me I still wasn't able to help defeat Aizen. I'm feeling so, so guilty, because Chad died and you nearly died and Ichigo turned into a monster all to protect me. I hope you're happy now, because saying it certainly didn't make me feel any better"

"But that's not it is it Orihime?" Rukia whispered softly "You don't even want to admit it to yourself, but I know you're feeling it. You're angry aren't you? And not just at Aizen and his friends for kidnapping you, not even at yourself for letting yourself get kidnapped. No, you're angry at us, aren't you? Don't try to deny it" Rukia said as Orihime started shaking her head "You know it's the truth, because they didn't just kidnap you, you made a choice to go with them. To protect your friends you sacrificed everything, and when you heard we came to rescue you, you felt angry that we couldn't accept your decision."

"I went with them so that you would all be safe. It was my choice to make. I'm not a child, and I'm not helpless or weak. I gave up everything to make sure you wouldn't get hurt and then you all threw that back in my face and you put yourselves in even worse danger. It felt like you were saying my decisions, the things I wanted, didn't matter. Yes I was angry, I'm still angry, I have to bear the guilt for all the death and pain that happened because none of you were prepared to let me decide what I was willing to sacrifice my life to protect. I'm tired of being weak, but I'm even more tired of everyone thinking of me as weak. I'm fed up with being seen as the princess in the tower that needs to be rescued. I'm stronger than that"

"I know exactly how you feel"

"Do you? Really? You were always strong Rukia. Ichigo, Uryu all of them, respected you because you were tough and brave and a fighter. When they look at me all they see is something to protect, not a fellow warrior."

"How do you think I felt when you all came to the soul society to rescue me? They certainly weren't thinking of me as a fellow fighter capable of protecting myself then. The fact that they were right only made it worse. I made my decision to go back there without a fight, knowing full well what the consequences would be, but all of you threw that back in my face and came to rescue me. You think I don't know, that awful mixture of hope that they might actually succeed, guilt that they'll probably die trying, humiliation at being so helpless and of course anger that they refused to respect your wishes"

"I know it's not logical, it's just that I'm tired of being the weak one. I may not have the killer instincts that the rest of you have but I still have that will to protect others." Her voice trailed off

"Do you know why I came to rescue you?" Rukia said suddenly "It wasn't because I thought you were weak. Quite the opposite. It's because you came to rescue me. It might have been your decision to go there to protect us, but if I had chosen to leave you there after everything you've done for me I wouldn't be worth protecting. You shouldn't have to make that kind of sacrifice for the kind of person who wouldn't come after you. It's ok to be angry, but just remember, we didn't come to save you because we thought you were weak, we came because we love you, and we owe you and we don't want to live in a world without you in it."

"You mean that?"

"More than anything I've ever said"

Suddenly Orihime was crying, and while Rukia knew it was part of the healing process it broke her heart to see her like that. Almost before she realized it she had wrapped her arms tightly round Orihime as she cried into her shoulder.

Before she had left for Hueco Mundo Orihime had thought she was in love with Ichigo, but somehow, at some point during her imprisonment, something changed. He had been a rescuer, where she wanted an ally, he had left her on the sidelines when she wanted to fight back to back. During the rescue Ichigo had carried her, she should have been ecstatic; being so close to him, but all she could think was that he was holding her too gently. He held her like a fragile doll that might break if he held too tight and it made her feel empty inside. The way Rukia was holding her now was different. She was holding her so tightly it hurt and Orihime suspected she would have bruises in the morning from where Rukia's skinny but surprisingly strong arms were crushing her. It felt good, it felt _real _in a way that Ichigo's gentle hold hadn't, in a way that very few things had since her imprisonment. The way Rukia was holding her made her feel like she wasn't alone any more, and on an impulse she raised her head and kissed Rukia, hard. Rukia stiffened but she didn't pull away, and then she was kissing back, so violently that Orihime could taste blood in both of their mouths, and it made her feel so alive and so real. When they finally broke the kiss Orihime spoke.

"Promise me you'll never let go. Promise me you'll hold tight, and not let go, ever. I'm tired of being alone and feeling empty."

"If you promise me the same then I swear I will never let go"

The morning found them asleep on the sofa, still held tightly in each other's arms.

**AN- there's a connection between the chapter titles, the first person to work out what it is gets to pick a pairing**


	2. Survivors

It was late at night that he walked in on his Lieutenant, softly crying her eyes out at her desk. He had stopped by his office, to finish off some last minute paperwork, he hadn't expected to see his work-shy, bubbly Lieutenant there, let alone find her in that state. It occurred to him that she was as good at hiding her true feelings as he was. As she looked up at him with tear filled eyes, he made a snap decision. Walking over to his desk he pulled out a bottle of sake he had confiscated from her a few weeks before, and then pulled up a chair to her desk. As he poured the drinks Rangiku's eyes widened

"Captain, I didn't know you drank!"

"I didn't, but recently I've found a small drink helps take the edge off the pain."

"Oh" An awkward silence descended

After downing his drink Toshiro, spoke

"So do you want to talk about it?"

"What do you mean Captain?" Rangiku had regained some of her usual composure although there were still tears on her face.

"I want to know why someone who is a byword for light-hearted entertainment and fun throughout the Seiretei is sitting at her desk at night crying her eyes out when she thinks no-one can see."

"Are you sure you want to know Captain? I doubt you'd approve of who I'm crying for."

"It's Gin Ichimaru isn't it?"

She nodded silently and downed her sake before speaking, "It was all my fault. Everything he did was for me, because he wanted to make sure Aizen could never hurt me again, because he wanted to punish Aizen for hurting me. He betrayed the Soul Society, he went with Aizen, he died trying to kill Aizen, all for me. And I doubted him, I thought he was a traitor. I believed he was a traitor and he died for my sake, and that's something I can't ever forgive myself for."

Her tears had dried up completely now, and her voice had turned cold and bitter as she downed yet another drink.

"But what about you Captain? What makes a straight-laced, hard worker like you turn to drink? I don't even need to ask do I?"

"No you don't. I killed the girl I loved like a sister with my own sword. Everyone knows that"

"I can't ever forget the look in her eyes, the betrayal in her voice" He paused to take a swig from the bottle

"Everyone knows what happened, maybe, but I don't think they want to understand what it meant. Everyone has their own problems; they don't want to see when someone else is falling apart. Especially when they are as good at hiding it as you." Rangiku got up to get another bottle. "It's easier for them not to look too close"

"See no evil, hear no evil huh?" Toshiro's voice turned cynical, "It's not like they could do anything even if they did notice, no matter how they tried to comfort me it wouldn't change the facts. Her blood is on my hands, and I can't ever wash it off"

"It wasn't your fault you know, Aizen's illusion…" She began but Toshiro interrupted her

"I know that, you know that, the whole bloody Seiretei knows that, but she didn't know that. She died thinking I had turned on her, her last words were to ask me why, it doesn't matter what anyone says now to excuse me, she died on my sword, and she died believing that's what I wanted, and no matter how hard I try I can't forget." Now tears were running down his face, as he took another swig from the bottle before passing it to Rangiku.

They drank in silence, consumed by their individual grief and guilt

"I wonder what they'd think of us now?" her voice sounded tired, older than her years, "wallowing in self pity and alcohol. I wonder if they'd be impressed, if they could see how far we'd fallen."

"It's not like you had that far to fall" Toshiro retorted in a weak attempt at humour

"I loved him you know" she mused "I always thought he didn't love me, but I guess I was wrong about that"

"Things always seem more obvious with hindsight, don't they."

"Do you keep going over things in your head, all the things you wish you'd said, wish you'd done, but never had the courage at the time."

"Every day and every night" he replied, "But what's done is done, there's no way to change the past." He gave a hollow laugh "You're right, look at us drowning our sorrows in drink; they would be disappointed in us wouldn't they? We're supposed to be the survivors and yet we're falling apart. In some ways living is harder than dying I suppose"

"At least now I don't feel so alone" she said softly "I guess sharing your sorrows really does help"

"Either that or the alcohol is finally kicking in" he replied

"Well whichever it is, I feel like I can face another day now."

"Me too, I don't feel any happier, but you're right I feel less alone. If you can make it through the next day, then I will too. I'll do my work and act like nothing's wrong and I'll survive another day."

"Then I'll survive another day too, I'll avoid my work, and laugh with my friends and I'll keep holding it together. And maybe if I pretend I'm ok for long enough, one day I really will be ok."

"I'll drink to a hope that that day comes for both of us. But until it does, when it all gets too much, I've still got some bottles of sake in my desk if you want to join me for a drink"

"I'll hold you to that Captain" She gave her first genuine smile of the night as she drank a toast.

Morning found them slumped over the desk unconscious, the empty sake bottle in Rangiku's hand. After waking up they carried on their as normal, acting like they were happy, pretending nothing was wrong, just trying to make it through another day. The only difference was that now when it all got too much they knew they had someone to share a bottle of sake with, and that made it all easier to face.


	3. Alone in this darkness

**Chapter 3- Alone in this darkness**

**AN- I don't own bleach blah blah you know the drill. Warnings for suicidal thoughts and non-graphic sex**

Alone, alone, alone

The word echoes through his head over and over. No-one to watch your back, no-one to fight with side by side, no-one to sit with in comfortable silence. He keeps looking round for the familiar face of his comrade, his ally, his friend, before the realization hits again. He's gone. He failed to protect him, he wasn't there to watch his back, and now he's gone. He keeps flashing back to the sight of too much blood, and far too still, and no light in the eyes. Every time he remembers is like ice in his chest, and it hurts to breathe. All those years ago he promised he would watch Chad's back, if Chad would watch his. Chad kept his promise, Ichigo didn't, and now he's alone, fighting hollows in the middle of the night as his power slowly drains away.

As he strikes down yet another low level hollow he wonders how many more people he will fail to protect after his powers are completely gone. Will he have to watch and do nothing as his friends go off to fight, will he be able to live with the guilt when they don't come back, will he have to grow old in safety while everyone he cares about dies far too soon. How can they expect him to live with that hanging over his head? He hears the alarm on his badge, and charges off after the next hollow, he rushes in blindly, intentionally reckless in the vague hope that this one might be strong enough to finish him off. Everyone thinks he's just being his usual reckless self. The truth is that for once in his life he has thought through his actions very carefully. He doesn't want to live, he doesn't want to have to watch his friends fighting and be able to do nothing to help them, he doesn't want to wait behind for the day they don't come home, he doesn't want to be left alone with these memories, this grief. He considered suicide, but that wouldn't be fair to his friends. They would blame themselves; they had enough to deal with without that guilt hanging over them. Besides he wasn't entirely sure his inner hollow would let him kill himself, that damn thing had pretty strong survival instincts. So instead he takes stupid risks, leaves obvious openings, doesn't pay proper attention to his surroundings, in the hope that one of the hollows will be smart enough and strong enough to take advantage and finish him off.

Uryu was watching from the shadows, he had noticed Ichigo had been coming in with more injuries than usual, and he knew for a fact that the hollows that had been showing up were no stronger than usual. So he decided to follow him and find out what was going on. As he watched Ichigo fight he realized that this was more than just carelessness. This was self destruction. The substitute reaper was trying to kill himself. He'd had his suspicions, but it was still horrible to watch. How had things got to this point, why had none of them noticed Ichigo falling apart? Out of all of them he should have noticed, he knew what it was like to lose his powers, the helplessness, the isolation, the fear of being left to watch others risk their lives to protect him when he could do nothing for them. He should have noticed, but then again, it's not like any of them were coping particularly well. War leaves its scars, and with everyone doing their best to cover up their own pain it was hardly surprising no-one had seen just how close to the edge Ichigo was, how much worse he was proving to be at dealing with it. Still now he knew, what should he do about it? Did he even have the right to interfere? If Ichigo really wanted it over, who was he to interfere? God knows he'd considered it himself often enough. One or two times he'd only held back out of spite, too many people he hated would be pleased he was gone. But still, Ichigo wasn't like him. He had family, friends, people who loved him. All Uryu had was his father, and their cold silences, and unspoken resentment. If Uryu had died it would have broken no-one's heart. Ichigo had no right to cause that much pain to that many people. His decision made he stepped forward to confront Ichigo.

Ichigo spun as he despatched the last hollow. Too weak, they had no chance of finishing him off; he almost wished some of the arrancar had survived. He noticed a flash of white in the corner of his vision. Uryu? What was he doing here?

"Hardly up to your usual standards Kurosaki, Hollows of that level shouldn't even have been able to touch you. If you'd been fighting anything with a decent power level they could have killed you." His voice suddenly turned hard "But that's the point isn't it Kurosaki?"

Ichigo stiffened "I don't know what you're talking about"

"Don't try and lie to me, I know exactly what you're doing. You're fighting carelessly on purpose"

"Why the hell do you think I'd do that!" Ichigo was panicking, and his voice came out more aggressive than he had intended

"It's very simple Kurosaki" Uryu gave a humourless smile "It's because you want to die." Ichigo was silent. He didn't trust himself to speak. Why did that bastard have to be so perceptive?

"It's nothing to be ashamed of. Trust me I've been there. The question is are you really that selfish?"

"Selfish? Are you really calling me selfish after everything I've done?" Ichigo snapped "Is it really that much to ask. Is the chance to rest in peace really too much to ask. I've fought and suffered and gone through hell for the sake of others, I just can't face the thought of watching them die and not being able to protect them. I can't face the thought of failing over and over, and once I lose my powers that's all I'll be able to do. Is it really that selfish to want to end it rather than see that? The memory of how I failed Chad haunts me, every time I close my eyes I see it, and you want me to go through that again with Orihime, with Rukia, with you?" He was crying now, somehow that infuriated Uryu.

"You matter to the people around you. Haven't they lost enough? Haven't they endured enough pain? You aren't the only one suffering, you aren't the only one who feels like they failed. What about Orihime, who still thinks all of this was her fault, what about Renji who blames himself for not being a good enough teacher, what about me? I was closest to that fight, I should have been able to help but I couldn't get there in time. What makes you so special? Why do you get to choose sweet oblivion and leave the rest of us to pick up the pieces?"

Ichigo snapped back defiantly "I just can't stand feeling so helpless. You of all people should understand that."

"I do understand, and believe me I considered ending it more than once, losing your power is isolating, humiliating and leaves you unable to protect the people you want to protect. But that doesn't mean it's not selfish to cause to much pain to the people you claim you want to protect. You have far more reasons to live than I do, so get over yourself" Uryu was shouting now and both of them had begun subconsciously releasing their riatsu as the argument grew more heated.

"F*ck you Uryu, who even gave the right to interfere"

"Hah, that's rich coming from you Kurosaki. Don't you make a hobby out of interfering in other people's problems?"

Uryu only just managed to dodge the punch Ichigo threw at him. He spun and kicked him in the ribs, before failing to dodge a second punch that caught him on the shoulder. Uryu recovered quickly and put Ichigo in a headlock, Ichigo fought back and succeeded in throwing the quincy into the wall, Uryu landed on his feet and launched himself back at Ichigo, pushing his back against the other wall, and then driven by instinct he kissed him, hard. Ichigo kissed back and tasted blood mixing in their mouths. When they broke the kiss they could see anger and brutal desire in each other's eyes.

"Your house or mine?" Ichigo asked abruptly

"Mine's closer"

The two were soon inside, they didn't exchange a word as they stripped off their clothes, and Ichigo emitted a low growl as Uryu dragged him into another vicious kiss. They came together violently, they would both have bruises in the morning, and the air was thick with their combined riatsu and the smell of sweat and blood. It was still dark when they collapsed in exhaustion, but dawn wasn't far off and their rage had dissipated. Somehow the pain seemed easier to deal with when they were able to take it out on each other and both of them suspected this would not be the last time they slept like this, tangled together on the floor of Uryu's flat, covered in sweat and bruises.


	4. The likes of you and I

**AN I don't own bleach**

**I'm not entirely happy with how this fic is working out but seeing as i've done the plan for a fair few chapters I might as well write them up. I'm not sure i'm very good at writing angst, but I suppose that's all the more reason to practice and I hate leaving stuff unfinished so here goes.**

**The likes of you and I**

He isn't sure why his midnight walks always end up here, on the bridge, looking out over the water, looking for a sense of tranquillity he can barely remember. If there was any peace to be had after all this he certainly wouldn't find it so close to where his wife died. Then again he didn't really deserve peace anyway; maybe it was an obscure form of self punishment, that he only allowed himself to try and forget in places that wouldn't allow him to succeed. His walks have become a nightly ritual, an attempt to escape the haunted look in his son's eyes, the unspoken accusation in his daughter Karin's voice, the stark absence of his son's friends as their inability to deal with what they have faced frays the bonds between them. What kind of man sends children to fight in wars, what kind of father allows his children to see the things his children have seen? He did what had to be done, he helped Urahara in his manipulations, trained his son to fight the monster that Aizen became, and the world was safe because of it, but the price was higher than he was willing to forgive himself for.

As he comes up to the bridge he is surprised to see a familiar form standing in his usual spot.

"What are you doing here Kisuke?" he asked

Urahara smiled and raised his fan, "Who knows? Maybe I'm conducting a complex experiment involving the flow of the river in relation to reshi flow, maybe I just thought it was a beautiful night for a wander by the river." His playful expression suddenly dropped "Or maybe I'm here for the same reasons as you."

Isshin looked up in surprise

"You didn't think you were the only one who felt guilty about what we did to those children did you Isshin? I have far more to be guilty about than you do."

"To be honest Kisuke I had my doubts you were even capable of feeling guilt."

"I'm as capable as you are and you know it. Ichigo and his friends might not be able to see through my front, but I know you can see through it as clearly as I can yours."

"Did we do the right thing Kisuke? Was sending children to fight a dead man's war the right thing to do?"

"Yes it was. If we hadn't the world would have been destroyed. That doesn't mean it was a good thing to do. I don't know if those kids will ever fully recover from this, I believe they are strong enough to move forward even after all of this, but I don't know and only time will tell."

"I'm a bad man huh Kisuke"

"you might be right, but you know I'm far worse"

"Fair point" Isshin sighed as he stood next to Kisuke watching the river flow by. He was surprised when Kisuke leaned his head against his shoulder.

"I wonder if they'll hate us. When they come to look back on the war and the part we played in it, will they hate us, or will they glad we gave them the chance to protect what they held dear? Will they be glad we allowed them to act as adults, or angry that we stole their childhoods?" Kisuke's voice was uncharacteristically fragile and his eyes were focused on a distant point beyond the horizon. Impulsively Isshin pulled him into a hug,

"Whatever they think of us, at least they'll be alive to think it. However much the past hurts at least they'll have a future."

"As cheesy as always Isshin." Kisuke pulled back slightly with a slight smile "But thank you, it does help" Then he gently pulled Isshin into a kiss, Isshin resisted for a moment before melting into it. After breaking the kiss they looked into each other's eyes, hardly knowing what they were looking for. What they found was a matching need for understanding and reassurance, overlaid with newly acknowledged desire, as well as a hint of something that neither of them could define.

"Come home with me tonight Kisuke." Isshin breathed softly, "Ichigo's out hunting hollows and the twins are sleeping over at a friend's house. I'm tired of facing this guilt alone, please, come home with me, stay the night."

Instead of answering Kisuke pulled him into another kiss, it felt like desire and empathy and things that he knew no-one else would understand, and Isshin never wanted it to stop. That night, walking home with his arm wrapped around Kisuke's shoulders, for the first time since the war had begun; Isshin felt a warm sense of peaceful happiness, maybe he and Kisuke would be able heal each other's hearts. Maybe that would prove that the damage wrought by the war didn't have to be permanent.


End file.
